Recently, I listed to a magnificent TedTalk on how to not take things personally.
Here is the link How to not take things personally.
I struggle with taking things personally; some things more than others; from some people more than others. I also have observed that depending on the context of the situations I may be more or less stricken with the illness of taking things personally. However, taking things personally can also be seen as a medicine.
As Frederik Imbo states in his presentation, “there are two sides to the coin” (he is a referee).
You see, Frederik sought out to become more refined in the skill of not taking things personally.
Here is a summary of what he proposes through his work as a futbol referee and the beautifully created coin analogy.
1. It’s not about me, its about we. (Heads)
2. If it’s not about me, it may actually be about me. (Tails)
When addressing the side of the coin where its possibility is, “its not about me, its about we”, its important to realize that the person on the other side just simply wants to be right. They want their opinion to be the right one and so on. In essence, they are on their own team and in competitive format, don’t we always want our team to win? So instead of seeing our encounters as matches, even though sometimes they literally might be, we must approach such experiences with the focus on what their intention is.
As we start to condition ourselves to focus on the others intention, there is no room for us to take it personally for we are engaged in trying to see the underlying mostly unconscious intention of them wanting to be right. The WE component of this message is to account for the degree of responsibility we must take in the matter, ALWAYS.
Note, however, that “Its’ not about me, it’s about we” may not always be the case . Sometimes what others speak about us requires us to check in with ourselves and see if what they say is actually true.
There are times where during these escalated incidents emotions run high, opinions differ, etc, we have to check in with ourselves and ask a vulnerable question. “Is what this person is saying true?”
How do you measure this possible truth? How can you even begin to fathom that what this person is saying may be true about you?
Well, its not easy and nor should we just accept that whatever anyone says about us is true because imagine what that life would look like! No thanks!
Instead, we have to check in with he reality of the situation, the measurable aspects of what is being said, the objectiveness of the situation, and go from there.
Sometimes it will be our deeply conditioned insecurities that block us from seeing this truth others are speaking about us. It is these insecurities we have to become aware of.
Dr. Wayne Dyer said it best, and I paraphrase, “when you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out; you cant squeeze an orange and expect apple juice to come out.”
What is within us will express itself outside of us when squeezed., i.e., when we are put in uncomfortable situations such as taking things personally. Be sure to always do the work within first.
This is a practice, a difficult one, but in the end one that is filled with liberation.